Twilight princess summary
by DorianMidona1
Summary: N/A: This is basically how the hell the many events of "The legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" Happened. This is my first story, so don't judge, just review it, please. i have updated the rating to M for language and violence and suggestive themes. This is a little notice to timotheus14, my best bud. you can read this story, man. it does not have sex in it. also, my thanks 2 evry1
1. how it all began

**N/A: This is basically how the hell the many events of "The legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" Happened. This is my first story, so don't judge, just review it, please. i have updated the rating to M for language and violence and suggestive themes. This is a little notice to timotheus14, my best bud. you can read this story, man. it does not have sex in it.  
**

** Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, curse words, Pokemon, or anything, really, except my Game boy, But I do not have copyrights over it.**

_ One day, a ranch hand named link was sitting next to a pool with his adoptive father, rusl_ "Link, do you ever feel a strange sadness overcome you at dusk?"

*Blank stare*

**-Whoa, wait! Skip the ten-minute beginning dialogue, damn it! *Tape rolling noise* Here we go…**

_ There was this dude named link._

_ He was a ranch hand in a ram-shackle old village called Ordon._

_ One day, the dude who raised him, because his mother and father would rather drink pinna collides All day, they dumped link on this dude's doorstep the minute he was born. Link wears crappy clothes And has cool hair._

_ So, after talking link's ass off, he told him to get to the ranch, I think. So, link went to the ranch with his horse, and herded goats for the idiot who runs the ranch._

_ He then helped every loser in town. Sera, the fat chick in charge of the shop in town, lost her cat. Since sera lost her cat, link decides to attack a monkey holding a baby basket by calling a hawk and Sending it at the monkey like a Pokemon or something, causing the baby to fall in the stream, and float To Uli, another fat chick, who is link's adoptive mother, and who already has a son, just got her other Back, and she is pregnant with another damn baby. Damn, rusl's life must be great. Anyway, in return, Uli gives link a fishing rod, so link catches a fish the cat takes it and runs back to Sera, and she finally allows him to buy the slingshot, which he uses to hit a beehive, and get attacked By them._

_ Then some more shit that makes no sense, Rusl says he went in links house, and put something there. Link climbs the ladder to his huge, furnished tree house, and instead of finding a tripwire and a bomb, He finds a crappy wooden sword in a chest, and there is a very dramatic "you got a sword" thing. For some reason, he thanks the rusl dude._

_ The village kids steal his sword. He chases them. He winds up in the forest, fending for himself. He finds the asshole kids in cages with a monkey. O_o The next day, rusl says "you're going to Hyrule to deliver something", so link does his ranch chores And obeys._

_ While he is heading to get loaded up and go, the mayor's daughter, ilia, scolds link for Hurting his horse a tiny bit by accident, and walks off with his horse to Ordon spring._

**BTW, she is quite pleasing to look at, with or without clothes, has beautiful eyes, and a Captivating face, as well as great curves in all the right places and better ones. She is obsessed with link.**

_Link has to go through a small tunnel into the spring, eating some Doritos along the way, id bet, with How slowly he goes through it, and the weird munching sound._

_ He walks up to ilia, there is some convo, they almost have a hot, steamy make out session, and…_

_ Three monsters, green riders of boars - Bokoblins! And their king, bulbin!_

_They storm into the spring They hit Colin on the head, and shoot pansy ilia in the arm, who passes out. Link gets knocked out, but comes to a minute later. He runs after them, toward the now open doors to Faron woods. A huge, black veil stops him, with orange markings on it. A black hand pulls him Through, and drops him. Three golden triangles glow on his hand so bright, it stuns the beast… Link starts to…change…into a blue-eyed beast with a blue earing, and a wolf body. The force of This change in his body knocks him out, and the black thing drags him to Hyrule castle. _

_In the shadows, a creepy smile watches_

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**Ok, thisis my first story, and im satsified. i will not abandon y'all! i will finish this story. i have updated the rating to M because of language and there will be some graphic violence, and maybe some descriptive accidental link-walking-in-on-Minda-bathing thing and then him running for the hills. anyway, keep reviewing, and ill keep posting. (not an ultimatum)  
**

**BTW, i might type fast and get the next chapter done today, only one day after the first.**

**and now, i am going to do something i would like to do for the rest of the story at the end of each chapter...quote midna**

**"Doesn't the cloud of twilight look beautiful today?"**


	2. hello, princess zelda

**Dun, dun, dun! Next chapter! I told yall I would update soon.**

**This chapter has some suggestive themes, maybe some sexual innuendo, swearing, and… copyright violation. No, wait, no copyright violations, because I'm going to do a…. DISCLAIMER! : I own nothing. I do own this cookie, however. *Munch, munch* damn. Now I own nothing. BTW, nothing includes my eaten cookie, McDonalds, LOZ, etc.**

_Now we shall begin the story._

"Unh…my head…"

_The wolf stands, and finds himself seemingly alone, in a jail cell. He tries to walk towards the bars, but is stopped by a shackle with weird writing on it._

"What the hell does it say on my chain? Weird, it says "Property of McDonalds Inc. If found, return to 237 Broadview road, New york, New york"

_While wondering who the hell McDonald is, or New York, our blue eyed beast looks around for some way out or anyone around. He notices the strange silence, and how the air looks sepia colored, and wonders if he is in the 70's. Then, in the midst of the room adjoined to his cell, right in front of his bars, he notices a girl. First thing he thinks is "whoa, she's sort of hot…I wouldn't mind being her pet…" Then he notices the mischievous, creepy smile she is wearing, as well as the strange headdress, and then his mind floats back to reality, where she is talking._

"YO!"

_Link jumps back in fright from how loud she said it._

"Yes?"

_She jumps forward in a split second and says _"so you aren't the really stupid, deaf wolf that was in here a few days ago…yay, I found you!"

_Link starts to bare his teeth and growl because she just came into his personal space and started touching him weirdly. _"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME? AND FUCK YOU FOR ADDRESSING ME AS 'YOU'!"

_At this, she lets out a sigh and says _"Oh well… I was going to help you out of here…if you were nice…" _and then pretends to be disappointed. Link instantly puts his pearly fangs away, and stops growling. She sees this and says _"ah, that's more like it, little doggie. Well, maybe I will help you then."

_She produces a huge energy ball, and flings it at him, hitting the chain, much to his relief. Once he dodges the ball, he thinks 'I'm going to kill this bitch!', but he then notices he is free of the chain, and feels a tingle of gratitude._

"The guards here are total assholes. Smash that box, and then dig through that dirt, and instantly, there is another cell, and in there, there is a chain that you pull, opening a door out of here. That's pretty stupid, right? Well, I have reason to believe that their brains are made of shit. Anyway, dig little doggie!"

_He dug through, and he came out at the other end, and realized there was an erie silence._

"That bitch left me for dead!"

"No I didn't, and don't call me a bitch, lest thou shalt suffer my wrath!"

_And with that, she dropped on his back after spider crawling across the ceiling, holding on to the thick vegetation on the ceiling. And when she did that, he went berserk, trying to buck her off, bite her, and barking, but to no avail. She just pulled a cowgirl hat out of nowhere, said some random daisy duke quote, and swung the hat saying 'yeehah'._

"Stop bucking! I'm going to have an orgasm on your fur!"

_Link, fearing for his shiny, beautiful fur, obeyed, only to have her pull at his ear._

"Listen, if you want to survive and / or get out of here, you have to do everything that I say, exactly how I say, when I say, and where I say. If I say 'kill' you say 'how gruesomely?' if I say 'jump' you say 'where and how hard?' if I say make out with me in the hot tub' you say 'how hot?' got it?"

_Link had an awkward look on his face, but nodded._

"Good. I only added that last part to make sure you were catching attention, asshole!"

_So, one super lame catacomb later, where link got stabbed by water spikes twice and ate two bugs, throwing up both times, they arrived at a broken up stairway in a tower of sorts._

"Ok, I'm going to help you up. Just focus on me, jump at me, and ill grab you and swing you to the other end when there is a gap, ok?"

"What?"

"Let's do this!"

_He went a few steps up, and found a gap. She went and floated in the middle of the gap, and he gaped at her. She threw an RCN remote at him (don't ask me how), and he jumped at her in rage, and she flung him to the top of the stairs, right in front of a tightrope. He ran across this, hoping he could ditch her, only to be saddled at the other side, and then attacked by bats. He jumped away from them, into the open air. Then, for some reason, time froze and everything went black, except for a bar that said 'loading'. Ten seconds later, everything returned, and link was having his blood sucked out by a twilight kargarok. Midna beat it back, and sumo threw him once again, this time at the tiny, busted open window in the tower 30 feet away. She zoomed after him, and for some reason, the huge birds that easily could have fit through the window, retreat._

"Why did you throw me? I broke my rib, damn it!"

"Shut up and go up these stairs. There is someone I want you to meet"

_he looked at her creepy smile in worry, and walked up the stairs, to a room. He looked around, and saw a bed and a dresser._

In head 'damn, I she going to…have sex with me? Oh, wait; this is someone else's bedroom. Is she going to sell me? OMG, I have to get out of here!' "Midna?" Comes the voice of a stranger in a black robe, staring out the window.

_Creepy chuckle from Midna _"Hello, princess Zelda, I have a friend I would like you to meet"

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**What do you think?**

**Next chapter will be done by next Sunday**

**Enjoy.**

**BTW, please review and crap**

**"Link, say something!...or am I so beautiful, you have no words left?"**


	3. You shall be mine-ee hee!

"Hello, princess Zelda, I have a friend I would like you to meet"

"I'm busy, dammit. I'm playing the latest Project Diva video game. Right now I'm making a video using miku hatsune with "world is mine" playing in the background."

" She's a bitch."

" No she isn't, you're a bitch"

" So are you."

"SHUT UP!" ~link, obviously

_silence…for 5 seconds._

Zelda: " So, what's her name, midy?"

Midna: " Her name is unimportant. I wanted to introduce you, for some random reason. And I wanted you to tell him the story about the creation of Hyrule in one of those weird flashback things you do in almost every Zelda game."

Zelda: " Right now?"

Midna: " Yes, now."

*bitch-sigh from Zelda*

" OK, start the flashback sequence"

_Seven uneventful minutes began of Zelda telling link and midna the story of the creation, and how the "Dark Interlopers", 3 beings of dark magic with incredible powers, made the fused shadows, articles almost as strong as the complete Triforce, when brought together. They invaded the sacred realm, and before they could get the Triforce, the goddesses came and sealed them away in a void in between day and night, using a mirror, which created a portal. The four fused shadows were hidden, so they would not be used. The dark Interlopers evolved into the Twili, and since then have live in shadow, in the twilight realm. They were all on team Edward, of course, cuz Jacob is an day, one of the individuals of the twili, zant, got up and decided to march on Hyrule castle, in the light realm. He then threatened to launch a 10-man (weak twili beasts) assault on the castle, even though he was already in the fucking throne room, or allow the princess to surrender. Since she was raised to be a bitch, she surrendered. And that brings us up to speed_

"so, you must now go and save my kingdom for me. In the meantime, I need to update my Facebook status."

_On her phone, she took a picture of her, link, and midna in her room, and posted it on facebook saying "me and my home girls hanging out" and clicked post._

_BANG_

"Oh, WTF? My plastic surgeon is coming to give me a boob job. RUN!"

_so, link and midna ran up the side of the wall like in those x men movies, and were suddenly on the roof 30 feet away, and for some reason, time around them froze, keeping the vampire birds from moving._

_Midna, to self _" So, that bitch is getting a boob job? No fair. I have tiny, flat tits in this form."

"what?"

" oh, shut up, dog. Ee hee…I think we forgot something, didn't we?"

"hmm?"

_midna suddenly turned into a screaming Collin, then ilia, and midlia began to do her hair_

"damn, your little girlfriend has a good body. No wonder she acts like such a bitch."

"FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH!"

"yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to see them ever again, you will swear to be my slave, helping me to acquire a few…trinkets I lost. What do you say? I'll also help you get out of here."

" No thanks."

" Too late!"

_and with that, she warped them away to ordon spring._

_And, what should they see, seconds after landing, other than a strange black beast drop out of a portal into the spring?_

"OMG, LINK!"

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**so, whatcha think?**

**next chapter will be bigger, but, still, might be a month. I don't get a lot of time to write, but i will write every second i can, and i will continue the story.**

**wanna review the story?**

**No.**

**Too late.**

**i love reviews, being Favorited, and being followed. and i always like to give credit to fellow artist who inspire me.**

**Thx for the inspiration, Midna3452, timotheus14, and Tyran.**

**and thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows, hyrulesman, SkyChild101, and Quomimi.**

**"Zelda...can you please tell him..where the mirror of twilight is?"**


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